The Perfect Storm 

Like a fierce hurricane, I never saw it coming and certainly had no way to prepare for it. Jolted to reality by the unexpected, the perfect storm was to become the cornerstone of a new way of life for me.




To really understand the velocity of what was to come upon us, some insight into our lives up until that crucial point is necessary.  Tim and I had been married for 19 wonderful years and I'm not embarrassed to say that aside from 1 or 2 over-night church retreats, we had never been apart for any length of time. We just never had a reason or desire to, our marriage and little family of 4 brought us all the joy we needed. After God, Tim was my best friend, my biggest supporter, my rock and the one I depended on for everything.  With the advantage of hindsight, I now know that certainly wasn't fair to him; but he's a very patient and gracious man and never complained about any pressure this may have put on him.  In addition to our lives being one of contentment, our two kids and several years of parenting had taught me not to be a risk-taker. I  had no interest in any thing that would stretch me, or my loved ones, beyond my comfort zone - those comforts more commonly known as 'control,' 'safety,' and 'trust.' It wasn't only for that reason, but I'd have to admit my lack of adventure did contribute to our routine lifestyle. That would mean that things like flying, even if there had been a reason or the financial means to do so, would never have happened. In fact, I hadn't even been able to comfortably drive beyond an hour's distance from my own home I was that held by fear. For that same reason, I had also never learned to swim, avoided roller coasters and heights of any kind and had never spent one night alone.  So, now you get the point.


You can understand then, why it was after much hesitation that Tim took me aside one day and confessed that he had something he wanted to talk to me about, a dream he wished to fulfill. A dream that I never knew existed and certainly wasn't expecting. The storm was approaching but I didn't recognize the clouds getting darker or the wind picking up. Then, like the fierce crack of a sudden bolt of lightning, he proceeded to tell me that he was feeling led to join our church team on a 10 day mission trip to Honduras. And the thunder rolled. Ten days. In Honduras. Without me. And there I sat drenched in a torrential flood of disbelief. I had never spent one night alone, had no clue where Honduras was other than terribly far away and couldn't understand why it was such a desire of his. I had watched the same videos of our returning church team as he had, I heard the same stories from those who had been there and while I was moved with gratitude for those willing and able to go, and saddened for those who were being ministered to, not once did it ever cross my mind that it would be a possibility for either of us to go. Sure, I wished there was more we could do, we helped with the fundraisers and were part of the prayer support, but actually physically going? That thought never crossed my mind. So, there I sat, stunned and temporarily at a loss for words. You might say, that I did not exactly display the appropriate amount of support and enthusiasm as he was hoping or, in all honesty,  that I should have. I should have been inspired by his courage and proud of his desire to serve others who were in need. I wish I could tell you those were the feelings that came over me, but sadly they were not. Instead, caught in sheer panic for what this would mean, and flailing to keep my heart above water,  I too felt "led" to supply him with all of the justifiable reasons that he should in fact, not go. I threw everything out there: you'll have to fly and you've never flown, it's in another country- an incredibly dangerous country, I won't be able to reach you while you're gone, it's going to be winter here when the team is going, and finally I threw out the zinger that I knew would have the most impact.... we don't have the finances. I was pretty sure all of these valid reasons would work in my favor, but I still felt guilty.  I wanted to be more supportive for his sake, I really did, but my paralyzing fear had me so bound in negativity and selfishness that I couldn't see beyond the seemingly insurmountable "sacrifices" that I would have to make if he took this trip. It was a storm that brewed in my heart and head for days.

And yet I knew he was supposed to go. 


I know it sounds pathetic; because it truly was. There I was a grown Christian woman who had been bathed in faith teachings since the day of birth, still struggling with fear and releasing control after all these years. In the days that followed that first conversation, fears blew across my thoughts daily, wrapping their windy tentacles around my faith more and more, leaving a very worn and confused woman in it's path. It should have been an exciting time for us, or at least for Tim, but excitement was no where near my radar. I thought for sure that while my husband was out of the country and out of contact, something devastating would happen at home with one of our children, leaving me to handle any tragedy on my own. Add those mounting fears to being convinced Tim was going to die in a plane crash, contract malaria, get kidnapped and tortured or all of the above and well, I was sure something radical was going to happen.


And I was right...


At the height of my fears, some of which were rational while others weren't even remotely feasible, and yet all were still very real in my mind, I received a message that changed everything.  A message that changed me.

God in His compassionate wisdom, allowed that message to be delivered by, of all people, an inspiring Honduran pastor. The very same pastor who had been overseeing the church planting project where Tim would be working on the mission trip. That timely message delivered to my hurting, quaking heart one summer day, was just the beginning of a personal transformation.


Pastor Donnie's message didn't have to be long or over-indulgent, it didn't have to be a bible-thumping, earth-shattering kind of message. It just had to be genuine, something simple enough for my wounded spirit to grasp and powerful enough to reclaim my hope.


It was a message of courage to be a life-claimer, not merely a life-sustainer. As he spoke with excitement and encouragement about the life we were designed to live, I saw in my own that I had instead chose to safely be a life-sustainer, comfortably coasting by. I knew there was more to this life than I had been settling for, more to this life that had been guided by comfort and limited by fear. As I listened, a sense of confinement enveloped me, and I wondered how I would ever be able to really claim the adventurous life God offered. Just as swiftly as I felt defeated with that question, Pastor Donnie began to deliver the answer through the remarkable example of another life that was especially designed by it's Creator, the magnificent 'master of the sky, the eagle.


The eagle embodies many admirable qualities, some of which we as humans would do well to emulate! One such quality is that the eagle mates for life, only seeking a new mate upon the untimely death of their first. Another is that eagles are very attentive and caring parents, valuing the future of their offspring even over their own. And then there is their keen eyesight that they use to gain more clarity of their surroundings - behind, beside and before them, as needed for their safety and survival. Up to this point, I was feeling pretty confident in where this was going, I felt I had been achieving those qualities for several years, and with pretty good success.


And yet none of these qualities are what I needed to learn from this elusive, soaring storyteller. The reason why they have gained my admiration and what I desperately needed to hear that day, is what they choose to do when adversity begins to cloud the eagle's atmosphere. Adversity... something I was familiar with and wanted free from in every way during my current storm. 

And that's when the pastor, in his thick Honduran accent, began to explain that while other birds seek refuge from lashing wind and rains, trying to hide from certain calamity, the eagle valiantly chooses to fly into the storm. She doesn't ignore it, hide from it, or try to find a way to fly around or under it. In great contrast, she flies straight into the storm, knowing that when all the fierceness of its fury has been spent, she will have been better off for having ridden the waves of adversity.

"But why?"  I wanted to cry out. That doesn't make sense. Aren’t there enormous risks and trials to be had in the midst of the storm?  What would ever incite her to make the attempt? 

The reasons, he began to share, were the perfect answer to my slowly dissipating perfect storm.


1. The stronger the storm the higher she flies.
Isn't that contrary to how we handle our storms? When facing my storm of uncertain fears, I was sure that burying them in the cliffs of security was a far wiser choice. I needed to be reminded that no matter how strong or hard the downpours of doubt came crashing around me, I only needed to soar higher in my faith, closer to my Creator and ride on His capable wings of peace, not on my own faltering wings damaged by fear.

2. The harder the storm, the stronger she becomes.
Just as an eagle's wings and vision are pushed against the resistance of increasing winds, heavy onslaughts of pounding rain and blinding thunderstorms, my want of control and limited vision had to be released, tested and restored. It was no longer about my fighting it, but instead trusting the One who could create and control any storm to draw me higher and closer to Him. In the process, faith in myself would be purged and replaced with the stronger, more pure faith that only comes from allowing the Holy Spirit to have access to my fears.

3. She sees beyond the storm to the glory on the other side.
After surviving one storm after another, feeling the freedom and renewal of both body and spirit, the eagle knows that what lies beyond the darkness of the storm are glorious, clear bright skies and an expanse of possibilities.  I needed to trust that beyond Tim's mission trip there would be a newness of Spirit and positive possibilities. 

To be honest, having him arrive home in one piece, having missions work thoroughly purged from his system, while maintaining my sanity at home, would have constituted my "glory on the other side."

But that's not what happened. I would never have imagined what actually did.


If you have read this far, I thank you for enduring. And if you are still interested, "Ready to Soar" the next blog entry, finishes the story of my experience with "The Perfect Storm"